Single in Seattle: An Experiment in Dating

Case Study #2 - I Embarrass Myself at the Gym

2009-07-14T09:26:00.000-07:00

Case Study Specs-

The Basics:

1. Get the hell out of the house - Check

2. Smile, Smile, Smile - Check

3. Talk to Strangers - Check

4. Go to the gym - duh.

Main Tactic: Go to places where men congregate and strike up a conversation. Go to games, bars, the gym, golfing, etc. - The Complete Idiot's Guide to Dating 2nd Edition.

Situational Analysis:

I started going to the gym regularly when I was 22. I was taking classes at Seattle Central Community College, working part time at Ross Dress for Less down on 3rd and Pike and partying my ass off on the weekends. I was poor and I ate terribly.

After 6 months, Ross decided to promote me and give me a dollar and a half raise. Suddenly my extra income was burning a hole in my pocket and I was torn between upgrading my cable package to include HBO or join a gym. The answer came to me suddenly after I caught a glimpse of myself in a fitting room mirror with powdered sugar on my upper lip and a grease stain on the front of my shirt.

I joined All Star Fitness that same day.

I was one of the lucky ones and was bitten by the gym bug early on. I started going 3 to 6 days a week, promptly lost 30 lbs and have never looked back.

It's been 10 years and countless, countless gyms later and I have never ONCE met a guy at the gym. I don't really know what it is- actually yes I do- there is nothing attractive, sexy or cute about me at the gym. I am usually sweaty, wet, red and in no mood for chit chat. I guard my gym time as sacred "me" time where I can read my celeb gossip, listen loud music and let off some steam.

The Complete Idiots Guide to Dating suggests going after a babe at the gym. Sigh. Yesterday was that day.

So I am on the elliptical at my downtown gym last night and was scanning the cardio floor to see if there was some unsuspecting hottie (or unsuspecting nottie) I could hone in on. I felt like I was a predator looking for the weakest link in the herd.

It's my lucky day, cuz not 5 minutes later a very attractive ginger grabs the machine next to me. I don't know what it is about gingers- I just kind of dig them. It might be because I just like orange things. I like orange dogs, cats, peaches, apricots and boys.

Anyhoo- so I am looking over at him willing something witty to come out of my mouth (short of - "you come here often"), cuz you better believe I didn't register on his radar AT ALL. He had the new Time magazine opened to the Sarah Palin article. Here was something, right?

I pointed at Sarah on the page and said, "so crazy about her quitting right?" (yes I know, not very creative). He pops out an ear bud and looks at me impatiently and says, "huh?"

His lack of smile or warmth or reception instantly makes me blush from my chest up my neck and I repeat my observation.

"Oh, yeah- I guess." Ear bud goes back in and I have been dismissed.

Oooookay. Not interested. I go back to concentrating on finishing my hour on the elliptical and sort of forget about him- for a few minutes. Then decide to try again. But this time as I turn to say something else some sweat that had accumulated on my forearm whipped on to his arm and across the magazine.

It was gross, I know. But he practically fell sideways off the machine he was so disgusted. I apologized, assured him I didn't have cooties, but he was off and running to the locker room. I was so embarrassed (especially since the other people on the ellipticals saw the whole thing go down) that grabbed my own magazine and made my retreat.

Conclusion:

I think I will keep my gym time my "me" time. I realize that my results were from only one encounter and eventually if I kept trying I would probably meet a cool guy. But at the end of the day, not only did I embarrass myself but I missed out on a much needed workout. Not worth it in my book. Gotta work off all those wine calories.

Case Study #1 - The Male Ego and Competition

2009-07-12T14:46:00.000-07:00

Case Study Specs -

The Basics:

1. Get the hell out the house - duh
2. Smile, smile, smile - check
3. Talk to strangers - check
4. Go to the gym, get that blood pumping - check

Advanced Tactic:
Tip #12: Flirt with "target's" wing man/buddy/best friend. This will spark the male's natural competitive nature and in turn will pursue you even more diligently.

Location: Bar - The Brown Lantern and Star Bar in Anacourtes, Washington

Situation Analysis:
I graduated from Western Washington University so I am fairly familiar with the happenin' places up and around Bellingham and the San Juans. When I was in school (pre New York) one of my school girlfriends was married to a naval pilot who was on deployment the entire time she and I were in school. She was barely 22 - so you can imagine when her husband was away she and I definitely played.

Since she lived on the navy base in Oak Harbor, one of the big navy hangouts was this bar in Anacourtes called the Brown Lantern. And boy did we get into some trouble at the Brown Lantern.

So it's been about 4 years and one of my girlfriends and her boyfriend were heading up to Anacourtes on their boat this weekend - since my family has a beach house up on Samish Island, I figured I would stay up there and head over to my old stomping ground and hang out with them. I agreed to meet them at the Brown Lantern once they docked so we could go take in a jazz band.

Lucky for me, (and this case study) they were reeeeeeal late. Like an hour and a half late.

In that hour and a half sitting up at the bar, sipping my "Brown Latern IPA" came the perfect opportunity to test out Sex in the City's male competition tactic. I was surrounded- seriously, surrounded by navy guys and sure enough a strapping wholesome looking young buck struck up a conversation.

Now for the sake of anonymity we will call him Tank- cuz aside from the fact that he was all kinds of tanned muscle, he told me he was second in command running oil tankers from Alaska to the Anacourtes refinery. He was wearing a layered polo shirt and jeans (um no, he did NOT have his collared popped). It's important to note that he looked young- like 21 young. Came to find out later he was 25- yes lambs, mama was a cougar last night.

His buddy on the other hand, we will call him Bling. Bling had on a backwards cap, a rhinestone long chain necklace and an a t-shirt with an airbrushed image of Darth Vader (I shit you not- Darth friggen' Vader) and roses AND he was drinking a Tokyo Tea. Whatever the hell that is. He was navy through and through. Stationed here for the next two years ladies. Go get him.

Anyhoo- first Bling abandoned Tank to let him chat me up for a bit. I got the full story about how he was from Alaska and how he started running these big ships yadda yadda yadda. The guy was a bit too wholesome (although not too wholesome to rest his arm around me intermittently and put his hand on my leg whenever he leaned in to tell me something) and too young. Instead of pursuing him wholeheartedly I decided to see what would happen if I started flirting with Bling.

The result was HI-LARIOUS and a little bit creepy. I had Bling on one side of me, Tank on the other. I started asking Bling about his story - I flipped my hair, gazed directly into his eyes, laughed at his jokes and for the most part ignored Tank. When Tank got up to get himself a drink Bling says:

"You are sooo pretty! I love your hair, you've got GREAT hair. And your smile...." - I don't know what it is about my hair. I smile and say thank you (see it really is about smiling, all-the-time.

Right about then Tank comes back and slides his arm across my shoulders and puts a drink down in front of me. And then the tug of war started happening. One would turn one way and then other would try and touch me or get my attention, or pay me compliments. At one point I had my back up against the bar and I felt a bit pinned because they were both in my personal space and I couldn't lean back any farther.

Then they started comparing their biceps.

Not. Kidding.

By this time, my late friends had arrived and they are watching this pissing match unfold. I finally had had enough of it and we left out the back door to go to the Star Bar next door.
And they followed.

The great thing about any competition is that it must come to an end. They both went down to the bar to get cocktails and only one came back. Tank won. Bling slunk off to Watertown.

But after all that competing- Tank didn't get the prize. While he tried to get me to take him home, I (no spring chicken) declined, gave him my biz card and headed back to Samish Island alone.

Conclusion:
Sex in the City by Lisa Sussman- you are on to something my dear. But at the end of the day, I felt creeped out by their persistence and turned off by their peacocking. Proceed with caution.

The research and the rules.....

2009-07-10T16:19:00.000-07:00

Whew, I have been busy. First- let me share with you my research material:

1. Date Like a Man by Myreah Moore and Jodi Gould

2. Complete Idiot's Guide to Dating 2nd Edition

3. Sex in the City by Lisa Sussman

4. Relationships for Dummies (yep, seriously) by Dr. Kate M. Wachs

5. Finding True Love by Daphne Rose Kingma

6. How to Date Me by Janis Spindel

7. Dating Sucks by Joanne Kimes

8. The Fine Art of Flirting by Joyce Jillson

These people have alot to say about how to meet, fall in love and keep it. For my purpose- I am all about finding it. So lets look at a few universal tips on "how to meet a guy" just about ALL these books offer.

First and foremost- get the hell out of the house. No sitting around eating a pint of ice cream, painting your toe nails, watching movies, drinking wine and petting fluffy. Must get off the couch if you are going to bag prince charming.

Second- talk to strangers, all....the...time. This is an easy one for me and anyone who knows me knows that I have a problem shutting up. I will talk to grandmas, garbage men, homeless people, presidents of companies, strangers in elevators. I could see how this might be a challenge for those who are shy.

Third- go to the gym. No, not to meet guys (although that is a tip of where to meet men). Go because it boosts self esteem AND sex drive. The blood gets a-flowin' and you end up burning a portion (albeit small) of the ice cream and wine you ate whilst watching movies and painting your toes on the couch.

Fourth- smile, smile, smile. Not as though your heart is breaking. I tend to be a pretty smiley lady anyways, but I think one of my future challenges will be to smile at every person that should cross my path on my walk down Capital Hill to the office. It might coincide nicely with the talking to all the strange people.

I think I have all the above points covered. Next up (tomorrow) I will start outlining some of the more outlandish tips I haven't tried before and see what the results yield. I am going to try to do at least one thing a day, i.e. "I'm so hot" affirmations or actually try and ask a guy out (gasp).

Then once I get a few dates on the calendar- I will go over some of the dating tips to see if they woo prince charming. Going to try the whole hair flipping, arm touching, body language mirroring, laugh-at-all-his-jokes tactics that are the building blocks of human attraction.

Ciao lambs.

Getting Started: Rule #1 - Know What you Want

2009-07-06T16:36:00.000-07:00

After reviewing all my research materials (which I will list out here in a sec) the number 1 most important thing to do when purposefully looking for a cohort is to: know what you want. And not in a "I want a hot guy that is nice to me" kind of way- but a real, tangible listy kind of way.

Who am I to argue with the experts?? See below:

1. Age: 35 -42
My mom always said that once guys hit 30 years old, they are FINALLY out of the pod. Another words, they pay their bills, launder their clothes, have a job, don't live with their mothers and floss their teeth. Well, they theoretically floss their teeth. That said- all the above are deal breakers.

2. Not addicted to porn, drugs, alcohol, gambling or me. Obsessive codependency freaks me out.

3. Be balanced- Work hard, play hard, chill hard.

4. Emotionally available. Nuff said.

5. Be kind. I think kindness is one of the most overlooked qualities. That means, being innately nice to strangers, old ladies, kids and animals.

6. Must: be able to carry a conversation, laugh at my jokes, think I am beautiful in the morning, care that I am cold and promise that I NEVER have to drive in the snow.

7. I gotta think you are the bees knees- and slightly smarter, but not in that asshole, know-it-all kind of way.

I think that is a good start.

Building the Dating Tool Kit

2009-07-02T11:25:00.000-07:00

Oh boy.

I determined that the first an most obvious step is to get down to some research. I am a outgoing person, hell- I am in PR, so my whole job is talking to people and making friends. So then why am I single you might ask?? Exactly. Maybe I am doing something wrong and need to brush up on the dos and don'ts of luring unassuming attractive men.

First stop? My local Barnes and Noble. Well, not my local B & N. I live on Cap Hill, and in the spirit of remaining slightly anonymous, I headed out to the Northgate B & N.

Now B & N is big- and I felt a little crunchy about asking where there self-help section is. So I roamed and roamed and roamed until I found the sex/relationships section.

SIDE NOTE: Was mighty interesting that the sex section was right next to the bible section. A bit ironic that a book entitled "How to Ride Your Man Like a Cowgirl" was just steps away from the good book.

I was surprised to find such an extensive selection. Dozens and dozens of shelves devoted to find, fix or lose love. I copped a squat in the aisle with my camera, pen and pad to peruse titles. Why Men Love Bitches, How to Love Men who Hate Women, Coping with Divorce. It was a little depressing actually. Based on these titles, I should be running like hell from the possibility of complicating my life with men.

But the experiment must go on! For science.

Finally I came across a few usable titles, Dating for Dummies, The Complete Idiot's Guide to Dating, How to Date Like a Man, The Art of Flirting. I hit the jackpot. Apparently there are tons of people, like me, lookin' for love in all the wrong places.

I grabbed The Complete Idiot's and How to Date Like a Man and headed for the check out. $50 bucks later, (- jeesh this might get expensive) I headed out into the sun to outline my strategy.

Sigh - Dating...a Priority?

2009-07-01T13:39:00.000-07:00

My whole life all I have ever heard was how hard it is to date in this city. There are either too many women, not enough men - or it rains too much and no one is in the mood.

My track record for the past two years would have to concur with that generalization. My growing career, relocation to and from NYC and my plain laziness has kept love on the back burner - on low.

Well, love begone no more. At 30 years old, it's high time I make it a priority.

In order to remedy my dating laziness, and make it more fun, I have decided to try an experiment. Why not utilize all the tried and true (and odd) dating meet-ups, tactics and how-tos and chronicle my results to find out if a little purposeful intention can get the job done. I will be the guinea pig and share what works, what doesn't work and what makes me fall flat on my face. Good, bad AND ugly.

That means in the coming months I will try:

Online Dating - yes eharmony AND match.com

Speed Dating (ugh- giving me an upset stomach already)

Blind Dating

Singles Events

Bars

My plan is to try at least one tactic a day - I will outline those tactics from all the dating books and online tips once I tackle that beast. BTW- there is SO MUCH info out there on the right and wrong way on how to bag the right man. jeez.

I also plan to go out on at least TWO dates per week. I would do more, but that career thingy kind of gets in the way.

Well lambs, wish me luck. This might be a pain in the ass.